The Bank of Sedekman & Sedekman
Discretion guaranteed. Results negotiable.
The Bank of Sedekman & Sedekman specialises in the delicate art of facilitating ventures of questionable merit and uncertain legality. Whether your ambitions lean toward the merely inadvisable or the spectacularly ill‑conceived, we offer the veneer of legitimacy your enterprise so desperately requires. Our services remain refreshingly theoretical, but our commitment to nefarious banking excellence is unwavering.
The Origins of Sedekman & Sedekman
Sedekman & Sedekman is the brainchild of founding partners Eliza Seed and Hannah Ekman, who, after somewhat more than a single bottle of wine, became deeply curious as to what their surnames might sound like if gently blended. A post‑it note was immediately procured, and after rigorous linguistic debate, it was agreed that the “S” must, both phonetically and philosophically, precede the “E.”
Initial concerns were raised that this ordering placed undue emphasis on Eliza’s lineage at the expense of Hannah’s; however, equilibrium was restored when it was noted that Ekman appeared in its entirety, while Seed though truncated by one letter, retained spiritual wholeness. The partners agreed this constituted a fair and equitable merger.
Having thus settled the question of nomenclature, they turned to pronunciation. After extensive oral trials and several regional accents, it was concluded that Sedekman could, with equal confidence, be said to have originated from the South, North, East, or indeed West of wherever one happened to be standing at the time.
At this stage many would have been satisfied, but not these intrepid explorers of etymological nonsense. In a moment of pure, wine‑fuelled inspiration, they discovered that by simply repeating the name and uniting the two with a stately ampersand, they had created something far greater than a mere household label. Thus, with the solemnity befitting such an occasion, The Bank of Sedekman & Sedekman was born: a theoretical institution built on equal parts linguistic curiosity, creative imbalance, and the faint aroma of Sauvignon Blanc.
Meet the Team
Eliza Seed
Eliza’s relationship with banking is both eclectic and impressively theatrical. Her résumé includes several seasons as a croupier, during which she mastered the fine art of feigned impartiality. Then came a memorable spell with a travelling carnival, where she acquired a network of acquaintances whose usefulness to future, nefarious banking endeavours cannot be overstated. She brings to the partnership a nuanced understanding of risk and reward, and an unwavering belief that chance, when handled confidently, is as good a strategy as any.
Eliza has demonstrated a bold and unconventional approach to asset diversification, routinely expanding her portfolio through the strategic acquisition of pre-owned goods. Employing a bartering model that favours persistence over persuasion, she frequently secures assets at negligible cost. Counterparties often exit these transactions in a state best described as “bewildered yet impressed.” Once acquired, the assets are placed into long-term storage and periodically repositioned according to a proprietary internal rotation system — an organisational methodology whose rationale remains opaque to all but her.
Among her other, quietly alarming talents is an ability to speak almost exclusively from the diaphragm, a vocal technique her Co‑Founder wholeheartedly endorses as perfectly suited to institutions with lofty marble halls and unnecessarily high ceilings. Eliza’s combination of confidence, eccentricity, and oratory prowess ensures the team will always be heard, even when they have very little of substance to say.
Hannah Ekman
Having read, at various times and under moderate duress, approximately four‑fifths of The Barefoot Investor, Hannah considers herself uniquely qualified to operate a financial institution which may, or indeed may not, involve actual money.
With interests spanning the benign to the faintly questionable, Hannah has developed a commendable talent for commencing projects of great promise that subsequently fizzle into well‑designed digital curiosities. Her ever‑expanding portfolio of largely pointless websites, all lovingly hosted on an unnecessarily expensive annual plan, stands as a testament to her commitment to half‑finished excellence.
While some might interpret this as a failure of follow‑through, Hannah prefers to view it as a strategic allocation of enthusiasm. As a self‑proclaimed wordsmith and “Professional Marketeer” (a title whose meaning grows looser by the day), she has discovered that, in most cases, no one is really paying any attention anyway.
Fortunately, her co‑founder’s contrasting approach—rushing boldly into ventures without undue consideration for consequence—provides a form of balance rarely found outside of poor decision‑making committees. Between them, they anticipate that something, or possibly nothing, will happen.
Timeline
While one might reasonably have expected our unlikely heroines to enjoy their moment of inspiration and then collapse into an agreeable state of inebriated amnesia, the idea quite inexplicably stuck. Both the name and the notion appear to have resonated somewhere mysterious, deep, and possibly inappropriate within each of them, resurfacing with unnerving regularity at subsequent meetings. Against all logic, progress has been made.
Contact Us
While it seems highly improbable that anything of tangible consequence will ever emerge from this venture, recent global events — notably the lawful and democratic re‑election of certain orange‑hued individuals — have demonstrated that literally anything is possible. In light of this, we feel it only prudent to prepare for the faintest possibility that someone, somewhere, might wish to get in touch.
Should you find yourself in possession of a nefarious banking problem, proposition, or idle curiosity, we warmly invite you to complete the form below.
For legal, moral, and aesthetic reasons, Sedekman & Sedekman must clarify that it neither holds nor intends to hold your money. Any resemblance to an actual financial institution is purely coincidental and largely regrettable. All enquiries are logged, alphabetised, and promptly ignored — but with great admiration for your initiative.